EXPLAINING DEATH TO CHILDREN

The death of former President Ford this week hit home. We've had three deaths in the family this month. (That, along with the holiday frenzy, accounts for my two-week absence here.) President Ford had four great-grandchildren. They must be young. I wonder how they, and their parents, will deal with this?

My grandmother was one of the relatives who recently passed away, and my children knew her well. I doubt my three-year-old will remember, but I hope my five-year-old daughter retains fond memories of visiting her great grandmother at the nursing home, feeding her, singing her songs and telling her stories. To me, there's nothing like connecting the older and younger generations.

I struggled with how to explain that Grandma B died. My daughter's actually been to a funeral before and remembered seeing "cousin Betty in the box" and the box going into the ground. We've talked about our beliefs on what happens after life ends. But the concept of permanence seems to escape her. After we visited the funeral home, she asked some interesting questions -- some so amusing they actually lightened the moment:

• Will she wake up when they close the box?
• Will she be scared in there? It's dark.
• Who put on her lip gloss?
• Will she wake up if I tickle her?
• After the funeral's over, can she go eat dinner with us?

Since then we've talked some more, and she even did some beautiful artwork in honor of Grandma B.

Why did I chose to bring her along and expose her to the details of death at such a young age? Children are naturally curious, and the things we shield them from are often the things they pursue or -- without adequate guidance -- fail to understand. As children, my mother and I both had frightening experiences with family friends who died. I'm hoping that by including my daughter early and making death a normal part of life, my daughter won't experience that fear.

What do the experts say? The National Network for Child Care says "most children are emotionally strong and want to know about death. The truth helps them understand what is real, and what is imaginary."

For small children: "Young children need to ask questions about the death again and again. They need to learn the facts about the death and to make certain the facts have not changed."

On attending memorial services: "Children need rituals. Participating in the funeral or memorial service helps make the death seem more real and encourages the healing that comes from mourning."

And on coming face-to-face with their loved one: "Viewing the body helps the child understand what death is and that their loved one is, in fact, dead. Few children later regret viewing the body; many regret not doing so."

Good advice on something we'll all face at one point or another.

News Mom T

DIGITAL WORLD

It just cracks me up everytime I see a teenager with a cell phone in one ear and an IPOD in the other... or thumbing away texting a friend while they're playing a video game. I have visions of the inside of their brains being completely fried.

The Kaiser Family Foundation today released a report about "Media Multitasking" -- doing more than one digital activity at a time. 65% of teens and preteens say when they're doing homework on the computer, they're usually also IMing (that's "instant messaging") their friends, surfing the web, playing a video or online game, watching TV or using some other form of media. But surprisingly, when they're watching TV, they're in the zone, so to speak. Less than half say they "multi-task" while their favorite program or video is on.

What's not clear is what affect this has on kids. Scientific research shows kids can successfully do more than one thing at a time, but the task at which they're least proficient may suffer. Homework????

There's also a question about the quality of what they're doing. It takes little brain power to IM while playing a video game. But add into that mix writing a paper on the Revolutionary War. Can kids really concentrate and do their best work when distracted? The science is up in the air.

Advertisers, on the other hand, have figured out cute commercials just don't cut it anymore. To get kids thinking, and involved, they've got to meet them on their playing field. Enter cell phone ads, online ads podcasts, forums, chat rooms and other interactive means of getting messages into the minds of young people.

It's TEOTWAWKI, IMHO.

TTFN. CUL8R.

News Mom T

P.S. Ask your kids to interpret. :)

SPECIAL NEEDS

It surprised me to learn that 1/5 of Americans are disabled. 54 million people. Another 23 million parents have disabled kids. It makes a big difference where they spend their money: what kids of restaurants they visit, toys they buy, clothes they purchase. Yet some disabled consumers believe corporate America has largely overlooked them.

How difficult that must be! We interviewed a marathon athelete who's physically disabled. She flies from town to town competing, but at the airport used to have trouble finding a rental car that offers special adaptive equipment. Once she found a company that makes it easy for her to book that special request online, she became a loyal customer.

Isn't that how it is with all of us? I know once I find a product, store or service that offers EXACTLY what I need, they've won a loyal customer. Even if it's a longer drive. Even if I have to pay a bit more. There's something to be said for getting what you pay for!

News Mom T

IRAQ CHRISTMAS

Newsmoms covered Iraq today - specifically, what's the President going to do to turn around the situation there, and public opinion? Only 27% of Americans now approve of how he's handling the war.

It's sad to think that all those troops will spend yet another Christmas so far from home. We'll soon see pictures of them standing in line to eat turkey dinner in a tent... opening care packages... and saying "Hi Mom!" -- when what mom really wants is to have her son or daughter home.

You have to wonder if those men and women -- some of them so young -- had any idea what they were in for when they enlisted. For our sakes, thank goodness they're willing to make the sacrifice.

News Mom T

STILL EATIN' TURKEY AND RUSHING OUT THE DOOR

It's Tuesday, and I had dressing and green bean casserole AGAIN for lunch today. I've had it. Tonight we're going out.

On another note:

I've been wondering how morning routines affect school behavior. I can't find much research to analyze what's happening at my house. I try to make sure my kindergartener and preschooler get enough sleep and a good breakfast. But lately I've noticed those things seem to have little to do with what happens later at school.

On days when we're not rushed, well-rested and eat well, I expect they'll have a great day. So I'm shocked when the teacher emails that my daughter isn't following directions or getting along with classmates. On days when we're running late, cereal spilled, I'm yelling and they're crying as we rush out the door, I cringe thinking that the morning rush has ruined their day (and the teacher's). Undoubtedly, that's when notes come home about my "star students."

There's just no rhyme or reason to it. I'd love to know what other moms are experiencing.

Not only do rushed mornings and sleep deprivation affect behavior, they can also affect learning. Here's an interesting blog by a doctor -- with some replies from teachers -- on what happens when tired, hungry, cranky sleepy kids try to learn.

I'll try to remember that tomorrow as I'm nicely rushing them out the door.

News Mom T

VIDEO GAMES AND KIDS' BRAINS

Researchers from the Indiana University School of Medicine report today more specific evidence on how violent video games affect teenagers.

They split 44 kids, ages 13 to 17, into two groups to play video games for half an hour. One group played an exciting, fast-paced racing game. The other played a shoot-and-kill war game that was rated for teenagers, not adults. Afterward, they looked an MRI images of the kids' brains.

The MRIs showed significant differences in brain activity. The kids who played the violent game were more emotionally aroused and less able to concentrate or control inhibitions.

Though video game sales are levelling off from a decade ago, they still generate more than $7 billion a year in sales. The gaming industry says people who don't like violent games are free not to buy them. And while they don't promote violent games, they strongly believe in their First Amendment right to sell them.

A number of states have tried to restrict violent video game sales, but the industry is winning some of those fights in court. There's also a federal bill backed by Sens. Hillary Clinton and Joe Lieberman, but it's stuck in committee.

News you should know.
News Mom T

'TIS THE SEASON TO BE ... SPENDING?

Today we reported on the annual surveys predicting what shoppers will spend this holiday season and how much debt we'll create. What caught my eye is the fact that parents spend more than people without kids. I guess all those toy commericals work.

The Conference Board Consumer Research Group says the average U.S. household will spend $466 on gifts this year, slightly down from last year. The National Retail Federation predicts almost twice that, which they say is up from last year. The good news: their survey finds more people plan to use cash and debit cards instead of credit.

The Consumer Federation of America and Credit Union National Association's surveys find half of all Americans plan to spend the same as they did last year. About a third say they'll spend less, and 15 percent say they'll spend more. What's frightening: Almost half (45%) are unconcerned about credit card debt, and the January follow-up surveys always show consumers spent more than they'd planned.

There's so much pressure to go into debt during what's supposed to be a joyous season: pressure from retailers, from kids, social pressure ("I've got to get the boss a nice gift.") -- and maybe even pressure from ourselves to out-do what we did last year.

Retailers present incredible deals, only to offer five better ones once we're in the store with wallets open or credit cards in hand. Lenders make it easy to have the holiday of your dreams. Today I got an email declaring that I should "Prepare for the holidays" by taking out a home equity loan to buy gifts.

I'm hoping to make a modest gift list this year and stick to it. Some friends will get baked goods -- a gift that's affordable and from the heart. Some may get a card saying I made a donation to charity in their name. And some may just get a card letting them know I'm thinking of them. I can't imagine they really need another pair of mittens.

What I really look forward to this season are the gifts of time and friendship. I cherish days off with my kids, visits with relatives, phonecalls from old friends, and hopefully some time spent with those less fortunate.

I'll take that over another kitchen gadget any day.

News Mom T

SIMPLY HEARTWARMING

Sometimes we News Moms get to tell stories that make our work really rewarding. Today was one of those days.

Imagine your son needs a kidney transplant, but you're not a compatible donor. Your neighbor needs the same transplant but his wife isn't compatible. But YOU and the neighbor are a match, and so are his wife and your son. Follow me? A swap could save both lives.

Unfortunately, that swap is technically prohibited by federal law, which says a person can't donate an organ if they expect to get something of value in return (like a life-saving kidney for their child or spouse). The law was desgined to prevent people from selling organs, but it inadvertently prohibits patients from swapping them as well. Doctors believe 30-thousand patients on waiting lists could die because they have an incompatible donor and can't "swap" with someone who is compatible.

That's why today's story is so heartwarming.

A few hospitals around the country have dared to defy that law and perform these "kidney swap" surgeries. Last week, Johns Hopkins in Baltimore did a five-kidney swap that started with a woman who had no sick relative -- she simply wanted to do a good deed in memory of her daughter who died two years ago on Thanksgiving. She started a ripple effect that ended with five donors and five recipients. Five lives were saved -- including a grandmother who had no donor and had been on the waiting list for two years.

We cover so much sad news about war, crime, poverty, etc -- how rewarding it is to share this story! I certainly don't mind putting a crying mother on TV when I know her tears of joy could help someone else down the road.

News Mom T

SCARED TURKEY

News Mom T was off the beat today. My two youngest and I all had dental appointments -- mine, unfortunately, a bit more serious than theirs. To tell the truth, I was pretty anxious about it, and apparently it showed. My five-year-old offered to skip school so she could hold my hand.

I was trying all last week not to let it show, because I didn't want them to be afraid of their dentist. Turns out, they were just fine. They had cartoons, sunglasses, strawberry flavored toothpaste, prizes and "Mr. Thirsty" to distract them. I just had novacaine, a big needle and drilling.

Isn't it funny how we try to protect our kids sometimes when they don't need it?


I'm looking forward to the weekend. My kindergartener's first school program is tomorrow (Thanksgiving), and she's been singing "Turkey Dinner" all over the house. Surely some cute kid will emerge dressed in feathers, and afterward we'll all gather in those tiny little seats to enjoy a pot luck dinner. How I love the holidays!

Back on the beat tomorrow.

News Mom T

SABBATICAL'S OVER

After losing my blogging partner, I lost my enthusiasm and energy to blog for a few weeks. I've refueled and am back with what I hope are some interesting tid-bits to share.

ABC "20/20" anchor Elizabeth Vargas is a bit miffed that Marie Clare chose to illustrate her recent magazine interview with a fake image of her breastfeeding at the anchor desk. The magazine says the idea was to show how tough it is to balance motherhood with a demanding TV news career -- something we News Moms know all about!

I've never breastfed on air, but I have had my kids in studio during live shots in a pinch when child care didn't work out. A co-worker once did the same, and to this day I remember hearing her youngest giggling in the background of the 11pm news!

But sometimes kids and work mix quite nicely. A few years ago I did on feature on the fertility statues at Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum. Touch them and you'll get pregnant, they claim. Despite hundreds of testimonials, I was skeptical. Two months later, not only was I pregnant, but so were two other women who covered that event!

Coincidence, I thought. But when the exhibit returned two years later, I thought it would be fun to do the story again featuring my daughter and let viewers decide.

Wouldn't you know -- shortly after that second story my son was born!

News Mom T

MOMMY PRESSURE

Last night I watched one of my all-time favorite movies, "Mommie Dearest" about actress Joan Crawford's tumultous private life. I hadn't seen it in years and for the first time, found myself identifying with Crawford instead of her daughter.

Don't get me wrong -- I don't abuse my kids, toss cleaner all over the bathroom at midnight, chop off my daughter's hair and scream about wire hangers. She was clearly out of control. But I did wonder what it was like for a single mother in that era trying to raise two kids while working in a high-pressure business. Is that part of what drove her over the edge?

I'm finding that success as a mother has a lot to do with attitude. I'm reading an inspirational book about that, written by a mom of 5. Her take is that the sooner we drop the quest for perfection and really come to terms with what our role is -- and what impact we have -- the happier we'll be. And our kids will be better off, too. I like that idea. I'm working on it.

T

A BEAUTIFUL BABY

Sometimes through work I meet people who truly tug at the heartstrings. Today I interviewed a couple who lost their little girl 13 years ago to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. She was an adorable, perfectly healthy three-month-old who took her nap one day and never woke up. I'm a reporter, but a mom first. When telling these stories, I can't help but wonder: what if it was my child?

The story is about new research that further proves children who die of SIDS may have brain abnormalities that make it hard or impossible for them to turn over or wake up when they need to to regulate breathing, blood pressure, etc. That's why experts say it's SO important to sleep infants on their backs. SIDS cases plummeted (over 50%) after the "Back to Sleep" campaign started in the 90s.

I'm glad that through the power of TV we can share this information so one day there will be fewer parents like the couple I met today. Amazingly, they've been blessed with three other children. But of course, no child can ever replace the one who was lost.

I'm constantly amazed how people who've suffered tragedies can find the wherewithal to share their experience. I know it's part of the healing process and many parents do it to honor their child's memory. Still, to muster the strength to do so is, to me, amazing. My heart goes out to them.

News Mom T

GOODBYE

I'm the friend T mentions below, and this is the project I'm stepping away from.

Part of the reason T and I started this blog was to share our experiences juggling careers and parenthood, and to let other mothers know they weren't alone.

Sometimes the juggling doesn't seem so bad, sometimes you fall into a routine and other times you're dropping things all over the place. That's me right now. So I'm taking the blog out of the juggling act.

Thank you to the friends who've bolstered and encouraged me during this little venture, and thank you -- T -- for being a wonderful and understanding colleague and friend.

T will continue with her brilliant, insightful posts, and I'll continue to read in. I hope you will too.

News Mom V.

IN HONOR OF PARENTS

I started out naming this post "In Honor of Mothers." Then I thought about my dear husband, a co-worker who's a father of four, and one of our readers and realized dads get the short end of the stick too often and should definitely be included.

I was thinking today about the sacrifices we parents make. Tonight I may have to skip an important meeting with my husband because it's going to run very late and I couldn't get a babysitter. I could drag the kids along, but it's more important to get them in bed on time so they're prepared for school tomorrow.

Earlier today a friend told me she's stepping away from a project we've been working on, to spend more time with her family. I was disappointed, but in my heart, I totally understood and am really proud of her courageous decision.

And just a few minutes ago, a mom of 3 emailed me to say she'll also miss tonight's meeting because she going to PTA. I understood because I had to do the same thing last month. In fact, I was thinking there are a lot of committments I've dropped since becoming a parent. I just can't justify spending time with others when I'm always searching for more time to spend with my kids.

The choices we make -- all good ones, always with a price. But this is not a post about guilt or stress. I was actually thinking how blessed I am to have these choices to make. It means there are little people who rely on me. I am important to their lives. The choices I make for them matter a great deal. That's something to feel good about.

So to all the parents out there who face impossible or difficult choices every day, give yourselves a pat on the back. Your children's lives are better because you choose them first. And that's always the right choice.

News Mom T

SEPARATE BUT EQUAL?

The U.S. Department of Education today made it easier for public schools to create same-sex classes. Some research shows girls do better learning with girls and boys with boys. Schools would also have to offer co-ed classes so parents can opt-out.

Supporters say kids are more likely to stretch their interests when they don't have to fear being the only boy in cooking or the only girl in woodworking. They argue especially in middle school and beyond, students focus better without distractions from the opposite sex.

Opponents -- who include NOW and female university professors -- say the only reason kids seem to do better in same-sex classes is because those classes are smaller and get the best teachers and resources. They fear segregating boys and girls will leave the rest of the students stripped of the best tools for learning.

I have to wonder. My kindergartener seems to be more distracted by the girls in her class than the boys. I guess it's the girl-envy thing. I know that will change as she gets older. But in a same-sex school, how well-prepared would she be to deal with boys in real life?

On the other hand, there's something powerful about the idea of a class full of girls who can beat the pants off their male counterparts in a science fair competition!

News Mom T

INTERNET ADDICTS

I check email constantly and visit my favorite web sites every day. I've even blogged and shopped online in the middle of the night. Am I an Internet addict?

Thankfully not, according to this test. But there are people whose claim their online habits are leading to divorce, getting fired and even depression.

Stanford University's med school is trying to figure out if "Internet addiction" is a real medical problem or just a bad habit. Their survey found that one in eight Internet users behave like substance abusers: hiding or lying about being online and using the Internet to escape real problems. Some logged more than 30 hours a week of NON essential Internet use.

The Center for Internet Addiction offers counseling and says some people experience withdrawal and fantasize about being online.

Stanford says it's not just predators or gamblers. They found a lot of potential addicts are obsessed with shopping, chat rooms and -- BLOGS!

For the record, there's is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being addicted to this blog! :)

News Mom T

TRAGEDY AND OUR KIDS

The local news last night aired a story about Michelle Gardner-Quinn, the University of Vermont student who disappeared earlier in the month and was found dead by hikers a few days ago. Michelle was from a suburb of Washington, D.C.

A woman interviewed in the story, a neighbor of Michelle's family, talked fondly about her relationship with the girl. She'd known her since 8th grade and Michelle and her son were very good friends. She emotionally recalled how Michelle used to ask people,"Can I travel with you?" and said now that Michelle was gone, she would always be traveling with those who loved her.

The woman being interviewed was someone I know and have worked with.

In the last month we've seen the loss of children as a result of the school shootings in Colorado and Pennsylvania. I wept for the families. But when you find out that you have a connection to a story like this, it truly hits home. Things this terrible don't just happen far away, to people you don't know.

News Mom V.

MURPHY'S LAW... AND FISH

"Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL go wrong!"

This morning my 5-year-old's before-school Spanish teacher didn't show, so I had to wait with her 30 minutes until school opened. On the way home in the rain, a "student driver" had an accident, jamming traffic. My teen -- who was waiting with my sleepy 3-year-old so I wouldn't have to drag him along -- was now late for class.

After dropping my son at preschool, I drove her to the train to save time -- or so I thought. The freeway was a rainy mess and by then the only parking space was half a mile from the station. So we walked and missed a train. I barely made it to work.

To top it all off, a few minutes ago my shoe heel broke!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

OK... whining done. I can feel a collective "e-hug" from all the mommies who've been there. On to more important stuff:

Today the government is trying to reassure the public that fish is safe to eat 2, 3, even 4 times a week in small to regular portions. Even for kids and pregnant moms -- as long as they don't eat the high-mercury types: king mackarel, tilefish, swordfish and shark.

There's actually growing and strong evidence that fish protects against heart disease. A separate Harvard study coming out tomorrow finds the levels of dioxins and PCBs in fish are much less than in other common foods like butter, milk, cheese and chicken, and reports virtually no cancer risk.

Some are concerned that the Institute of Medicine, which did the government study, had too many people on the panel with ties to the fish industry, skewing the recommendations.

T

LITTLE PRINCE AND PRINCESS

It's 3am on Sunday and I'm up blogging. The News Moms have been silent for a few days, in part because I worked an early-morning schedule last week that left me too tired to blog at night.

I volunteer to work that shift periodically to give this working mom a chance to spend time with my kids: pick them up from school instead of sending them to after care, ensure a good dinner and bedtime without the rush, etc. And that's actually the subject of today's post.

At a birthday party this weekend, I had a conversation with a few mommy friends about how virtually all our decisions seem to revolve around our kids: where we live (school district), what we drive, jobs and work schedules -- or whether we work at all.

Three years ago we made a cross-country move for my job. Two of the biggest deciding factors were that I'd travel less -- so more time at home -- and my parents now live nearby to help.

But how much is too much? Clearly parents should make their kids top priority. But kids also pick up on that. How do we avoid creating egocentric children who grow up believing the world revolves around them -- because in many ways, it did. (I'm not talking about spoiling kids with "stuff," but about basic life decisions all parents must make.)

And what other aspects of our lives suffer? Health? What about marriage? How you deal with it, and where do you draw the line?

When it comes to health, I think a lot of parents neglect themselves. If my kids sniffle too long or develop an unusual rash -- we're in the doctor's office. They don't miss a regular check up six-month dentist appointment -- but I'm behind on my own.

What about marriage? Do we spend too much of our free time making up for lost time with the kids? Shuttling them to lessons and soccer practice? Are spouses neglected in the process? Are we too busy to realize it until it's too late?

Parenting educator Elizabeth Pantley has an interesting take on that: "When you make a commitment to your marriage, your children will feel the difference. No, they won't suffer from neglect! They'll blossom when your marriage-and their homelife-is thriving."

Any thoughts?

News Mom T

SCHOOL LUNCH GOES VEGGIE

The Physicans Commitee for Responsible Medicine announced its Golden Carrot Awards for the best school lunches. The winner: a private school in California that's all vegetarian with fresh fruit platters and a salad bar with raw and steamed veggies. In fact, the top 3 winners were vegetarian schools. One even grows its own vegetables.

I'm not sure I'd want an all-veggie school lunch (how 'bout them proteins?) But it's a long way from the "French toast sticks" listed as a main dish on my daughter's lunch menu (I still can't believe that!).

News Mom T